Habits: Part I

by Christopher Gibney, LAc, DHom

Roots of Success & Failure

One could say all success in life depends on habits; how you use them and how they use you.  How you get rid of the ones that hold you captive and how you cultivate the ones that serve your progress.

 

The Demons That Haunt You

You know your bad habits all too well; you fall back into their grip, no matter how obvious it is they hurt you, no matter how many times you resolve to stop, no matter how much will-power you rouse against them.  How stupid does that make you feel?  How frustrated?  How powerless and deflated?

 

Mistake 1:  Hating Bad Habits

At the root of every habit is a legitimate need.  By concentrating your mind and emotions on condemning an unhealthy behavior, you not only miss the point, but you give the habit more force.  Dwelling on the negative only magnifies it.  Does harping on their faults ever bring out the best in people?  Aversion is very sticky stuff; the more you wallow, the muddier you get.

 

Mistake 2:  Trying to Break Bad Habits

You may beat a behavior into submission, but unless you answer its driving need, it always fights its way back in some form or another.  Like trying to get rid of stubborn ivy; until the roots are removed, it pops up again somewhere in the garden sooner or later.  You become the dry drunk, who may never drink, but is still chronically at odds with himself and the world.

 

Mistake 3:  Trying Harder

If trying harder is all it took, there would not be so many jokes about New Year’s resolutions.   Despite your many experiences to the contrary, you probably keep buying into this myth and setting yourself up for repeated failure. This is a very dangerous situation, because the worse you feel about yourself, the weaker becomes your will, and the more likely you are to become rebellious and reckless.  And the longer your real needs go unmet, the greater pressure they exert on your habits.  So how can you break this vicious cycle?

 

Step 1: Decriminalize Your Habits

Cut yourself some slack.  Put some distance between you and your habits.   Acknowledge that you adopted them, whether consciously or not, for some good reason, but their usefulness is past.  It is now time to fulfill in a healthier way whatever needs they served.  This automatically weakens the force of habits by neutralizing the emotional charge you add to them.  Just as with any bully, the more you hate him, the stronger he becomes, and the less attention you pay him, the sooner he goes away.

 

Step 2:  Disown Your Habits

Habits are just patterns of behavior; they are not you. You are not a robot; you have free choice and can reprogram yourself.  Of course, you must take responsibility for choosing your habits, but never identify with them.  The more you think you “have” a habit, the stronger it has you.  Though it is crucial to gauge its strength to successfully change a habit (more in Part II), it is more vital that you cease thinking of yourself as a slave to it.  Even when you are temporarily in the grips of a habit, the more you affirm your freedom, the weaker becomes its hold on you, and the more your true nature emerges.

 

Step 3:  Be Your Own Best Friend

Respectfully and kindly ask yourself what it is you really need.  Listen to yourself as if you had no bone to pick.  Dig deep.  What is calling out from underneath the junk food, or workaholism, or road rage?  You will discover some basic unmet need; for safety, for balance, for appreciation, for peace, for joy, for love.  Be honest with yourself and dare to admit what you truly crave, no matter how embarrassing it feels or “unrealistic” it seems.  Healthier habits can endure only if they serve these core motivations.

 

Step 4:  Be a Gardener, Not a Warrior

Don’t just fight bad habits; cultivate healthy ones to displace them.  As wholesome habits grow in strength and better fulfill your core needs, they naturally take over the space of old parasitic habits.  Of course, until your new plants are established, you must repeatedly weed your garden.  You have to say “no” to harmful behaviors, but most of your attention and energy must be redirected to nourishing “yes” behaviors; new habits that serve your highest aspirations.  The neglected plants die as the fertilized plants thrive.  During this gradual shift, you need the protective structures of discipline to save yourself from occasional impulsiveness (more in Part III), but it is positive reinforcement that will inspire you to persevere.  As your energy is freed from constant battling against what you hate, and invested in growing what you love, your momentum feeds on itself.

 

Part II coming soon:  Understanding the psycho-physical laws of habit and how to use them to your advantage.